


F- Da Police!

by berrries



Category: Smosh
Genre: Drunken Shenanigans, Flashback, Gen, House Party, Inspired by John Mulaney, No Romance, Police, Stealing, Underage Drinking, Vignette, idk what i did here, teenage party
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-05
Updated: 2020-01-05
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:53:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22080625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berrries/pseuds/berrries
Summary: "A hundred drunk, white children yelling 'f- da police!' with the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. You know that, like, 'I served my nickle, you come and take me!' confidence. …but white children."
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	1. Story

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by the wonderful smosh-incorrect-quotes on tumblr:  
> https://smosh-incorrect-quotes.tumblr.com/post/189536575136/incorrectsmoshgamesjoven-another-story-i-have  
> FYI: so i found this out recently, but the prompt was taken from a John Mulaney bit, so thanks to John Mulaney as well.
> 
> so underage drinking, police come, and fyi, roland is damien's dad for those who read the tags. thx google.

“You know, I’m a really bright person.” 

“Joven, you’re an f-ing idiot,” Matt Raub objected.

“Yeah, I was hoping you’d say that.” Matt cocked a brow and Joven elaborated. “It’s a perfect segway into my next story, this one takes place when I was in high school, I think… yeah, there’s no f-ing way this would happen in middle school.” Matt chuckled.

“Okay, I’m intrigued. Go on.”

“Well, it starts with a teacher we had whose kid went to our high school. His name was Mr. Haas, and his son, Damien Haas, was a sophomore when I was a senior, so he was 2 years behind me.” Matt smirked. “And Mr. Haas was an a-hole. But Mr. Haas, being the wise guy he was, decided to leave town with his wife, which you should never do if you’re an a-hole. And Damien Haas decided to throw a party at the teacher’s house. Hooray! And everyone in school heard about it and we all individually thought, ‘Okay, let’s go over there and destroy the place.’” So I walked into Damien’s house, and holy sh-! Everyone I’d ever met was there! Kids were running around, totally unsupervised! Well, that was to be expected, but… kids were drinking like it was the end of the world! Like it was the Civil War and a doctor was coming to saw our legs off! I grabbed a cup of some sort of cheap beer and walked down to the basement- there was a pool table in the basement. One dude, Wes, took a running start, threw his body onto the pool table, and broke it in half!” Matt snorted.

“Is this your whole ‘big, funny story’?” Joven scowled.

“If you let me finish, you’d know that it gets better. Much better.”

“Whatever you say, dumb a-.” 

“So that’s just the start! I followed one guy named Sohinki up to Mr. Haas’ bedroom after we figured out which one it was. So he just went for it.”

“You were-” Matt gasped in disbelief. Joven frantically shook his head.

“F- no! He just took a big, fat sh- on Mr. Haas’ computer. I just stood there and watched, I mean, I was so drunk, I couldn’t f-ing think straight.” Joven inhaled, preparing for the intense parts.  So the party was going great. I was standing there in the basement again and I was holding a red cup- you’ve seen the movies. And I’m standing there, and I’m holding a red cup, and I’m starting to black out.” Matt leaned back and belly-laughed.

“Oh God, I love where this is going!”

“So someone must’ve said something like, I don’t know, I didn’t hear it. He was like, ‘something something police’. And in a brilliant moment of word association, I yelled, ‘F- da police! F- da police!’” Matti gasped for air in between laughs. “And everyone else joined in. A hundred drunk, white children yelling ‘f- da police!’, with the confidence of guys who have, like, already been to jail and aren’t afraid of it anymore. You know that, like, ‘I served my nickle, you come and take me!’ confidence… but white children.”

“I can’t believe people followed you!”

“I didn’t have people spreading rumors that I was a perverted nerd!”

“Touché.”

“Turns out, the reason someone had said, ‘something, something police’ was because the police were there.”

“Oh sh-!”

“Sh- is right! So a Chicago police officer walked down the stairs, and got to the bottom of the basement, and looked out over a sea of drunk toddlers yelling ‘f- da police!’ in his face.”

“D-, that’s impressive!”

“No sh-! He was almost impressed! He was like, ‘wow. And then he leaned into his walkie-talkie and went ‘get the paddy wagon’.”

“Oh, you went to jail!” Matt boomed. Joven sneered.

“You wish! Instead, Mari, who is now a mother- this woman now has a baby-”

“D-, she’s got her life in order.”

“Shut up! Mari grabbed a 40, smashed it on the ground, and yelled ‘SCATTER’!” Matt looked genuinely interested.

“Did you get away?”

“Not all of us.”

“It ended badly for you.”

“We’ll see.” Matt mumbled something about suspense under his breath and Joven ignored it, continuing his actually good story. “So everyone ran in a different direction, we all ran in different directions. It was like that scene in Ratatouille when the humans come in the kitchen and all the rats go in different ways- we all ran in different directions.” Matt was on the floor, guffawing. “I ran into the laundry room, and I jumped on the washing machine, and I crawled out through a window into the backyard.” Joven’s face suddenly became more animated and he started using hand motions to enhance the action. “And now I’m running through the backyard, and there’s this big chain-linked fence, and I thought ‘I’ve never climbed a fence that high before’.” Matt inhaled. “And then I woke up at home.”

“F-!” Matt screamed, throwing his hands down. “You could’ve had a great story, but you f-ing woke up at home?”

“That’s how it happened!”

“What’s next, Mommy brought you breakfast and some meds for your hangover?”

“No, I had a normal Sunday, but yeah, I was hungover. And, get this, at school on Monday, Damien approached me.” Matt’s eyes widened in faux disbelief. 

“No!”

“Yes, and he asked me, ‘Hey, were you at my party on Saturday?’. So me, being the best liar there is, told him no.”

“Did he buy it?”

“Yeah, he was a stupid sophomore. He basically told me what happened. ‘Things got really out of hand. Someone broke the pool table. Someone took a sh- on my dad’s computer. But the worst thing,’ he said, ‘the worst thing is that someone stole these old antique photos of my grandmother, and my parents are freaking out about it.’” Matt seemed to really think about that.

“Sohinki or Mary,” he whispered. Joven heard him but didn’t correct Mari’s name. “And I had that thought, that only black out drunks and Steve Urkel can have, ‘Did- did I do that?’” Matt burst out cachinnating. “I figured no, I wouldn’t have done that.” Matt cocked a brow. “But I was never sure until 2 years later.”

“You did it.” Joven shrugged.

“Maybe.” Matt was visibly frustrated. “ So then I’m playing video games with this kid named Lasercorn that we also went to high school with- this is 2 years later, we’ve graduated by now. We’re playing video games for a couple hours and then Lasercorn says to me, ‘Hey, come here. I want to show you something.’”

“Sh-, not a good sign.”

“And then he takes me into his bedroom, and then he takes me into a side room, off of his bedroom.”

“Never a good thing to have.” Joven shook his head in agreement.

“He shows me a tiny room that is covered, wall to wall, in stolen antique photos from different people’s parties over the years.” Matt gasped. “And I said,” Joven started whispering intensely, “‘Why? Why would you do this?’ And Lasercorn said, ‘Because it’s the one thing you can’t replace.’ That’s the end of that story, but how f-ed up is that?”

“F-ed up.”

“Right?! That’s crazy!” The men nodded. “…So I don’t drink anymore.”

“Hey, you guys talkin’ about me?” Mari asked, leaning on the doorframe.

“Hm? No, why?” Matt fibbed. Mari shrugged and walked away. “So, you don’t drink, huh?”


	2. Flashback

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Then he f-ing pulled down his pants took a sh- on Mr. Haas’ computer. Like, literally! I watched him! It’s fine! Wholesome bro times!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> high school joen's perspective on the party (typo intended)

I walked in the open door. There were lights, dancing, yelling, off-key singing, and of course, drinking. Wise guy, that Damien Haas. Some drunk rando grabbed me by the arm and dragged me into the mosh pit of people dancing in Damien’s living room. A red cup full of cheap vodka was dropped into my hand. Like, straight-up vodka. But still, I downed it in less than five minutes.  _ Nice party. _ They handed me another cup. Same thing. I probably drank several sups of cheap vodka before moving on to beer pong in the basement. For some reason, we played on the pool table. I was on a team of 2, me and my friend Wes. We lost. Drank tons of beer. Then a dude I know named Sohinki, he grabbed my arm and dragged me up 2 flights of stairs.  _ Jesus Christ! _ Then he f-ing pulled down his pants took a sh- on Mr. Haas’ computer. Like, literally! I watched him! It’s fine! Wholesome bro times! Then my friend Mari burst into the room and dragged me back down the 2 flights of stairs. 

“The h- with you people!”

“Look at this!” Turns out the mosh pit moved to the basement. I was dragged into the very center with Mari.

“...police…” I heard. Instinct led me to the right decision.

“F- da police! F- da police!” Everyone joined in until an actual police officer came down the stairs.

“Wow,” he breathed. “Get the paddy wagon,” he ordered into his walkie-talkie.

“SCATTER!” Mari screamed, throwing a 40 on the ground. We all ran in different directions, but I ran into the wall a few times.  _ There’s no way I’m THAT drunk! _ I made it to the laundry room and pushed out the window above the washing machine. My vision was swirling and my head was spinning, but I made it to a tall fence.

“I’ve never climbed a fence that high before.”


End file.
